Alexander Payne presents SNAPE
by SnapesPayne
Summary: Alexander Payne is an Academy Award Winning director who creates comedic art out of Caucasian Midlife Crisis. I believe that Professor Snape is Middle Aged, Caucasian, and Comedic. It's the R-Rated Existential Comedy you've been waiting for!


(Author's Note: I do not own Harry Potter. Nor do I own Academy Award Winning Director Alexander Payne. Harry Potter the property of J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers and all related affiliates. Alexander Payne owns himself. Although if I had to guess, Alexander Payne would be less expensive to buy than Harry Potter. This is a parody.)

**CHAPTER 1 : A GRAND OPENING**

The winter walk to Hogsmeade was one of many things that Professor Severus Snape dreaded. On this day, the accomplished wizard despised the following :

Hufflepuff snowball fights outside of the Magistrate  
Ravenclaw 2nd years buying Turlough's Tobacco from Aphakzohr Omlenor  
Sappy romantic waiting line for new couples to dine at Hog's Head.

Taking the long way around Screechsnap Square, the professor's stomach groaned. Despite being an accomplished potion's chemist he preferred to have someone else do the cooking. He never took the extra time to understand the logic of it.

His dark, unplucked nostrils slowly lit up. The smell of roasted clove and butter was in the air. Perhaps it was just something from Zonko's Joke Shop. A poor, failed attempt for the reward of laughter.

Snape turned the bend so quickly, that when he stopped his scarf fell off. The building that had once occupied Dead Stuff for Sale was now a POPEYE'S CHICKEN &amp; BISCUITS.

"_Louisiana Fresh_?" Snape said.

The glowing building was relatively empty (aside from the under-educated yet cordial employees inside). Wet boots and all, he traveled to the restaurant becoming the first customer they trained 5 days to serve.

"HI! WELCOME TO POPEYES CHICKEN!" said the young man behind the cashier.  
"Hello... " Snape studied the employee's nametag… " _Wilburg_?"  
"First time to Popeyes?" Wilburg asked.  
"Indeed. It is?" he said.  
"Take your time. I'll just take your order when you are ready." Wilburg proceeded.

Making sure that no one was impatiently waiting behind him, Professor Snape eyed the menu. Judging from the advertisement , the Bonafide Chicken appeared to be their expertise.

How many years did it take for one or many souls to perfect the taste of deep fried Chicken? What did they experience when they came home to a family knowing that their recipe had not been perfected? Was the act of finding the perfect recipe so valuable to her or him that they wouldn't want a family to come home to UNLESS the recipe was perfect?

That being said, the Seafood Po'Boy was something he had never heard of or tried before. Perhaps he could buy both? Take one back to the dungeon for leftover lunch? Tomorrow would be Sunday after all.

"I shall have the Chicken Tenders . Combo that is. Let's do ...Cajun Fries." Snape took out his wallet. " And Red Beans and Rice."  
"And would you like those Chicken Tenders spicy or mild?" Wilburg asked.  
"Now when you say spicy, Wilburg. It it like "hot" spicy? Or is it just spicy flavored?" Snape inquired.  
"To me, I would say that it's hot spicy. But if you'd like I can give you a mix of spicy and mild. And if you don't like the spicy ones we can change it up for you."  
"Free… of charge?" Snape asked.  
"Yessir. Here at Popeye's you're family." Wilburg replied.

Family. For a moment Snape no longer felt the shaking furnace vent on his pale face, but the memory of Lily Evans sitting beside him in the Great Hall. He tried to remember one of the inside jokes they whispered. After failing to reach one, he settled on the overall memory of an all-in-good fun competition they had to score the highest O.W.L.

Snape's open mouth daydream continued as Wilburg took forever to register the Wizard Express card. The cashier eventually needed to do some trick with a piece of paper for it to go through.

"That would be acceptable." Snape nodded.  
"Here's your drink. Now will this be for here or to go?" Wilburg asked.  
"For… here." Snape nodded as he went to the Coca-Cola machine.

Fascinated by the ability to mix various components together, Snape mixed Coca-Cola with Cherry Coke. Then tasted.

"You can barely taste the Cherry."

Without hesitation, he added Dr. Pepper to the mix.

"Wilburg? What's the difference between Dr. Pepper and Cherry Coke?" Snape asked.  
"I guess Cherry Coke tastes more like Cherry?" Wilburg replied.  
"Nah. It doesn't. You should really try both. They taste the same. Just different names, I suppose?" Snape said.  
"Man. Now that I think about it they sorta do taste the same." Wilburg said.  
"Yeah. It's kinda... crazy?" Snape replied.

Wilburg gave a chuckle. Snape wasn't sure if Wilburg thought it was funny or if he was being polite out of work requirements.

Being rebellious, Snape decided to see what Sprite and Dr. Pepper would taste like. After one sip, the Potion's Professor poured it away - knowing far too well that he would never drink that again.

By the time Severus settled on Orange Fanta &amp; Hawaiian Punch in his medium sized cup, his Chicken Tenders were ready and at his table.

The tenders were breaded. The spicy ones carried a cayenne pepper odor. It was tolerable, however he decided to start with the mild. Before taking a bite, he saw Wilburg check to see if the coast was clear before strolling over to the Coca Cola dispenser. The visored 19 year old began trying out the Cherry Coke then Dr. Pepper. His smile was carefree and innocent. Snape tried to remember the last time he was that way. Perhaps there wasn't a time that existed in his life comparable to the moment Wilburg was having?

Biting into his spicy chicken tender, nerves quickly informed Severus that the tenders were still well over 100 Degrees Celsius. The sensitive gum tissue at the roof of his mouth burned. Using his Sex On The Beach soft drink to cool down his mouth. Trying not to show his pain, he smiled at Wilburg.

"Good?" Wilburg asked.  
"Not bad. I'm going to try the Red Beans and Rice though. My tenders are a little hot." Snape replied.

Wilburg nodded. Going back to Cherry Coke to see if there was a difference.

"You're totally right about this Cherry Coke thing. I would've never known. And I drink both all the time." Wilburg sighed.

Most days Snape would have contemplated the intelligence of Wilburg. What steps Wilburg failed? What steps failed Wilburg? But the red beans and rice were perfect. And in some way, so was this moment. In the big scheme of things, the world needed at least one Wilburg.

If only Lily was here. She loved fried chicken.


End file.
